Journalling?

Post #2

Is it bad that I decide to isolate myself, or a I helping myself because I have been too social? I just want to be alone and relax and drink, which sounds sad- drinking alone is often a habit of alcoholism.  Yet, I feel that it would be fun to feel a little buzzed and watch Game of Thrones, sip juice and coffee, eat crackers and vegan cheese, and relax in bed until I fall asleep naturally, rather than forcing myself to stay up in a risky scenario with friends that are not able to drink legally on an extremely conservative campus by administration.

Again.  I have a minor symptom of PTSD in that I do not allow myself to drink with those that I was involved with on the night of my second write-up.  I feel like that night forever scarred me- I thought I was being safe, even though I had an intuition that we were being loud.  Now I follow everything that my mind tells me and deny myself all of life's pleasure, unless I am by myself because I know that I can control that.  Now I feel that I am shortening the extent of my college experience, by denying occasional fuck-ups and drunk memories with friends.  Yet, I know that I can't mess up again, or else my future is ruined.  Thus, this is probably a temporary fix to a current problem.  I have to be a control freak for the next two quarters (the remainder of the school year) in order to make sure I can still assure admission into a good graduate school.

I pray that I did well on my finals.  One of the reasons that I started creating these type of entries on my poetry blog is because I have felt the need to release some of my emotions.  I have been a drunk mess, an emotional disaster, a horny heat, and a relapse freak.  I have actually started engaging in negative behaviors everyday for the past week, because I have been extremely sad by my chemistry midterm.  All I want for my college career is a 3.7+ GPA and by possibly earning a B in chemistry, i am ruining my future chances of admission into a prestigious graduate school university.  Its ok though- I have my alcohol and behaviors if all else fails.  Hoping to stop if I can, but who knows...