Journalling?

Post #2

Is it bad that I decide to isolate myself, or a I helping myself because I have been too social? I just want to be alone and relax and drink, which sounds sad- drinking alone is often a habit of alcoholism.  Yet, I feel that it would be fun to feel a little buzzed and watch Game of Thrones, sip juice and coffee, eat crackers and vegan cheese, and relax in bed until I fall asleep naturally, rather than forcing myself to stay up in a risky scenario with friends that are not able to drink legally on an extremely conservative campus by administration.

Again.  I have a minor symptom of PTSD in that I do not allow myself to drink with those that I was involved with on the night of my second write-up.  I feel like that night forever scarred me- I thought I was being safe, even though I had an intuition that we were being loud.  Now I follow everything that my mind tells me and deny myself all of life's pleasure, unless I am by myself because I know that I can control that.  Now I feel that I am shortening the extent of my college experience, by denying occasional fuck-ups and drunk memories with friends.  Yet, I know that I can't mess up again, or else my future is ruined.  Thus, this is probably a temporary fix to a current problem.  I have to be a control freak for the next two quarters (the remainder of the school year) in order to make sure I can still assure admission into a good graduate school.

I pray that I did well on my finals.  One of the reasons that I started creating these type of entries on my poetry blog is because I have felt the need to release some of my emotions.  I have been a drunk mess, an emotional disaster, a horny heat, and a relapse freak.  I have actually started engaging in negative behaviors everyday for the past week, because I have been extremely sad by my chemistry midterm.  All I want for my college career is a 3.7+ GPA and by possibly earning a B in chemistry, i am ruining my future chances of admission into a prestigious graduate school university.  Its ok though- I have my alcohol and behaviors if all else fails.  Hoping to stop if I can, but who knows...

The Boy that Smiles and Waves

Does he even know
The pain he throws
At my freezing soul
When he smiles and waves my way.

Does he think I'm a friend,
One of the band
yet again,
Another puppet to his collection.

I want a warm embrace,
not a "hello" to the face,
Not a gesture, nor a fist bump,
Not a nod.

If only he could know,
the pain he did throw
At my soul
With a smile and a wave.

Sad Things

Loser part 2

Blog notice

December 4th, 2016, and I still lack a community.  Life is as cold as the wind and rain during this winter in San Diego, doubling the pain I feel.  Am I not relationship material, or has my alcoholism spiraled out of control? Am I a whore? A druggie? After blowing the guy on floor 2, floor 2 has given me a weird vibe.  I am friendly with everyone, but the entire floor denies my joy.  Am I fat? Do I deserve a relationship? Friends? Will my friends stay? Will they betray me? Are they betraying me? Do they talk behind my back? Do they wish I wasn't here?